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Society has broken down, toilet paper is rarer than gold now. I have personally fought off seven rabid children who tried to take my ramen noodles.
Time is no longer relevant. It's not needed anymore. My food is completely gone, all of my ramen noodles have been stolen by the rabid children and their domesticated opossums. I am only just scraping by by cultivating mushrooms in a cave in the Pacific Northwest. From what i have seen in my travels, some mad billionaire has TP’d the Space Needle in Seattle and a new Irish Socialist Regime has arisen in the ruins of Boise, Idaho. I’m almost certain that everyone in the Midwest United States now speak Irish Gaelic and all wheat crops are now potatoes.
I have collected enough food to continue my journey. I made my way to San Diego and everything looks like how it was before, completely destroyed and reduced to rubble. I met one of the locals and they offered me pizza. But it really was just a rock. He spoke in a strange language that i quickly learned. My favorite saying is “jhvsdvhfhhsdgjfvcjjfsjdvhdssdbfh” which translates roughly to “Yo Yo Yo, dude,man,bro,dude!”
I saw a rare sight today, an airplane. Some mad man had restored an old World War 2 fighter plane and instead of dropping a bomb it dropped thousands of open packs of POP ROCKS. It reacted with the ground and it looked like a hundred bombs went off. It then did a spinny trick and flew into the sunset. I consulted my map and discovered I was near Las Vegas. I traveled to the Hoover Dam and finally had enough electricity to charge my Nintendo DS. Now I can play Mario Bros on the go! I ALSO STOLE THE LAS VEGAS SIGN YOU CAN’T STOP ME NOW SUCKERS!!!!!!!!
So basically I sold the Las Vegas Sign for a Subway sandwich and some poor sap’s DS game collection. It was a huge loss, but Subway is also bomb and i love me a good spicy Italian sandwich. But luckily for me the DS could be used for literally any use. Need a communications device? BAM, the DS picks up signals so you can talk to people. Need some entertainment? BAM, you can play games. Need house building supplies? Get enough DSes and BAM, bricks for a home. You get the idea; This thing is magical. I was running around with basically a gold bar in my pocket. Some wacko in the middle of nowhere, Colorado, tried to rob me. He claimed to be Eric Cartman from the TV show South Park. Another use for the Nintendo DS is as an improvised weapon. I just kinda tossed it at this guy and he exploded. Like, literally exploded .Like Mushroom Cloud style. The DS was ok. That thing is made out of some kind of plastic that can survive anything. I just walked away like some dumb action movie, I also found some broken Aviator Sunglasses and put them on all cool like. After that overall traumatizing experience I found a cave, ate a bug, and watched the first episode of Spongebob Squarepants again.
.So basically I continued walking what remained of a highway and somehow made my way to Kansas. I’ve been doing a circle almost. As I was distracted an EIGHTEEN WHEELED SEMI TRUCK barreling toward me. With what seemed to be an entire back full of lighter fluid and styrofoam plates. I dodged and it hit a little tiny Cube car and did a flip, exploded, lit all the fluid, lit the plates, and shriveled into nothing. I put my sunglasses back on and like an action movie, ran like a sissy to the nearest town. It was desolate, nothing new, all small towns were empty. But this town had something special, the last Gamestop known to mankind. I squeezed through the non-functional sliding doors and caught a scent of true gaming. Doritos: Nacho Cheese, Mountain Dew, and cheap plastic. I was looking for more DS games. But the normal case was empty. I slowly went back to the back room, stuffing as much nerd merchandise as I could into my bag. When I went to the back, the smell of Doritos intensified. I saw several cloaked figures surrounding an altar with what appeared to be a Nintendo DS. I went further, making sure to hold my breath, it wasn't a DS, it was 3DS. Basically, it played better games and had a 3D feature without using glasses. The goblin part of my brain told me I should run and take it. And I did. I rushed through with my war cry of Guttural Screaming, snatched the system, plus 5 or so games, pushed a former employee, and ran out the back of the store. I had just stolen a holy relic of some nerd cult. And I ran for the non-existent hills (Get it, Kansas?) Now I’m hiding in potato fields and playing games in Ultra 3D graphics.
As I ran from Kansas hoping to never return, I tripped on a loose stalk of corn and dropped my DSes. They miraculously fused together to create the ultimate gaming system, the 4DS. This thing defies all logic and any laws of time,space,physics,reality,and religion. It brought upon the end times. I powered it on and straight away showed footage of the Third Impact. This wasn’t good. I needed to destroy this thing before it ended the world, again. I tucked it in to my bag and I continued walking. Next stop, KFC Headquarters in Kentucky. As I walked the 4DS played elevator music nonstop and it was driving me crazy. I was so distracted that when I looked up, I had arrived at the KFC Corporate Headquarters. Inside I saw it. A chicken costume, and what seemed to be a Playstation 3 lodged into the torso. Like some sort of Robot-Chicken. It spoke in only Kingdom Hearts quotes. Something about Mickey Mouse or something. I gestured for it to follow and told it that we should stick together. As it stood up I noticed something on its back. A giant key. My sense of shock was no longer existent, nothing phased me anymore. I've seen it all. As we walked deeper I heard The Chicken say “An enemy?” in a foriegn voice that sounded like Donald Duck. Then a loud mechanical screech rang through the red and white striped halls. And then the most gut wrenching sound ever. “It’s Finger Lickin’ Good!” A large automaton with KFC branding resembling the late Colonel Sanders emerged from the only bend in the hall. The Chicken rushed it. Nearly knocking the robot over. That gave us time to run. We ran to a room labeled “Gravy Production” The Colonel-Bot followed close.Now, we were over a giant vat of gravy. No handrails, extreme safety hazard. If it still existed, I would have called OSHA. The Chicken convulsed slightly then shot a disc out of the Playstation. It was SpiderMan:Web of Shadows for the PS3. It made the robot lose its footing and fall into the gravy. Before it congealed it said its final words “Pick up a 5$ Fill Up Today!” before he froze solid in his grave(y). I had never heard an advertisement spoken with such malice before.It haunts me. As we walk out I take as much frozen fried chicken as mine and The Chicken’s bag could carry. As travel to North Carolina, to reunite with some old mafia buddies.
“This ain’t your Island” The Chicken blurted out in a male’s voice. “You’re right, this isn’t an island. It’s a highway, good to know you can actually see.” I said in a passive aggressive tone. “We’re currently en route to Nashville, Tennessee!” We were close. And we could see the neon lights on the horizon. When we reached the outskirts we saw it. The walls of a mega-fortress. We walked slowly towards what appeared to be a gate. When we rang the oversized doorbell, instead of southern hospitality we got ambushed. A flash of white whizzed past me and right into The Chicken’s plush chest, knocking it over. It was a T-Shirt. I struggled to help The Chicken up and we ran, the man armed with a T-Shirt cannon still firing at us and making out with as many shirts as we could manage. Once we reached a safe building, coincidentally a small museum of country music, we were safe to consolidate our earnings. We had 3.14 “I <3 Elvis” T-Shirts. One of them ripped, explaining the .14. Now we decided to stay for a bit and learn about everybody’s favorite music genre. As we were doing so, I witnessed a terrifying sight. The Chicken removed its arm covers, revealing human arms, presumably female. It was shoving Elvis CDs into the mechanical mouth of the Playstation. I chose to ignore this and continued to roam the halls. I found a Dolly Parton wig and claimed it as mine. After this small detour we returned back to the highway to continue our journey to Wilmington, North Carolina.Now with music, complements of The Chicken as he (or she) thought it was appropriate to play “Hound Dog” By Elvis for 6 hours straight.
We were in the state of North Carolina, at least that's what the maps in the rest stops said. And as the final Elvis track stopped we heard a rustle in the bushes around the highway. And then we saw IT. A rough looking overweight 11 year old with what appeared to be a racoon tail trailing behind it. He ran in front of us and I got a good look at him. Short, about 5”3, curly hair that looked greaser than some local pizza shops, a fading Naruto t-shirt, and torn cargo shorts. In his small, pudgy little hand he carried a pack of playing cards. “Im Ace! I’ve been following you for quite a bit. I think since Colorado.” The Chicken seemed taken aback at the mention of his name and seemed a little uncomfortable. At least as uncomfortable as a chicken costume can be. “I’m Ace, and I’m here to stop you, before you reach my employer!” He belts in a high pitched voice. “And who exactly is this employer?” I questioned. “I cannot say, its against the ninja code to reveal your sensei!” “Good Lord” I said before I was distracted by a playing card flying at my feet. “Dang, hey stand still!” the Weeblet yelled before fumbling to ready another card. The next one flew above The Chicken. And The Chicken was not happy, it shot a disc from the torso lodged game system. The flying plastic hit him square in his forehead. His reaction was to yelp and whine like a dog and he whimpered “UwU why youww hit mee owo?” (Yes he made those noises) Me and The Chicken visibly cringed and the feathered monster rushed him, stepping on his once nice looking tail. This kid bit it, hard. The Chicken quickly played a sound clip from “Another One Bites the Dust” By Queen. A short breathy laugh came from The Chicken and immediately stopped to not cause any attention. The small boy got up and said “Soulja-Sensei isn’t gonna be happy when he hears about this. Sayonara, bakas” He said before running back to the woods and tripped on a small piece of pavement and then disappeared into the forest. We both continued our journey in silence. The only odd thing about this highway was that the signs on the side were graffitied with messages like “YOUUUU” and “CRANK DAT”. We just thought that it was some immature wanderer with a can of spray paint. But I remembered what that Kid said, “Soulja-Sensei”. Is Soulja Boy living out somewhere near Asheville, North Carolina. We would have to take a little detour to find out.
“Ouch” I tripped. Seemingly over nothing. When I looked over, it was Bobby Shmurda’s missing hat. Score. Now we had something worth money. If you know, Bobby Shmurda is still alive. We had arrived in Asheville. It looked like it always had. Shrouded by shadows from the pine trees, just more abandoned. The Chicken was immediately drawn to a music store. Probably one of the last one of its kind. I followed the speeding poultry into the building lost to time. Because of the decline in interest in CDs the music store was basically untouched. It immediately went towards the alternative section of the store and stated shoving “Fallout Boy” CDs into the Playstation. It eventually made its way to the indie section. As I was browsing I heard its footsteps. I quickly grabbed a copy of “Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum” (Good Album) It took the disc from me and consumed it. It noticed my fondness for the album and started playing it. The Chicken chose to play “Banana Man” on repeat for the remainder of our time in the store. After that seemingly endless time in Banana Hell we left with our phat luut. (Good haul) We then went to McDonalds, my choice. We scrounged around to find food and i found a frozen Big Mac. I deepfried it and had myself a heart attack on a bun. I went to the dining area only to find The Chicken. With its back turned, mask off, and holding the sweet tea container over what appeared to be “her” head, drinking it in a manner that shook me. I had never seen a human being act with such primal hunger, but I could see it because McDonald’s sweet tea is bomb. I then turned around, and went straight to the back where I know they have the safe. Apparently every McDonalds store has the same safe code and I got in easy. I found a literal gold bar in there. I felt a wave of nostalgia as I remembered the time a crackhead paid me for a McChicken with a gold bar. I snatched that gold up like a little goblin and continued looking in the back. I went to the way back walk in freezer to see if the fries were still good. They were. The frozen fries didn't expire until 2069. So I did the body by McDonalds workout plan and carried boxes of fries to the deep frier so me and The Chicken could feast. After our very nutritious meal of unsalted french fries and 3 week old Diet Coke we went to the play area in the store. I then proceeded to get tackled into the ball pit by The playful Poultry. Eventually I fell asleep. Mostly because of exhaustion and also the fact that I had eaten 3 pounds of french fries and I might be going into a diabetic coma. Last thing I remember is a mass of artificial feathers near me before I dosed off in the depths of colorful plastic balls that smelled of onions.
I woke up to the sound of deep frying and the song “Jingo Jungle” by Myth & Roid playing slightly somewhere in the distance. I had no idea The Chicken had interest in WW1 themed anime but aight. I went to the kitchen and saw The Chicken deep frying balls from the pit and throwing them against the wall. I found the hashbrowns in the back and made 30 or so just because. We then departed from the fine establishment and off to Biltmore. Home of the Mad Alchemist: Soulja Boy. We found the gift shop first. We found everything also intact because once again, no one goes here anymore. I tell The Chicken to load up on glass Christmas ornaments because they could be useful. I changed my shirt for the first time. My current wardrobe now consisted of: Shorts (because they are easy and comfy to wear). An heart Vanderbilt T-Shirt (Ya know, because he built it for his mommy). Broken Aviator Sunglasses that I stole from the Eric Cartman guy in Colorado. A Dolly Parton wig from the museum of country music. And a cool guy leather jacket, so spiky that it would make any punk jealous. And a huge Paw Patrol backpack (With a modified pocket for the 4DS, made kindly by The Chicken). I was lookin’ like Jimmy John’s, freaky fresh baby. And now we marched up the mile long driveway to the mansion of the Mad Alchemist. It had been kept the same but the mansion had the words “Soulja Boy” painted on the front. We approached the menacing door. A slight rumble could be heard as some weird japanese characters appeared. “This must be his alchemy” I said. The Chicken only replied with a sound clip of Edward Elric saying “That is not the law of Equivalent Exchange” We opened the door to be greeted by our old friend, Ace, the racoon child. “You will never reach Soulja-Sensei” he squeaked pitifully. He clapped his hands and from the scraps of paper made playing cards. “Soulja-Sensei taught me the ways of alchemy” he said. “Big deal. Anyone can do alchemy if they tried to” I was bluffing. I clapped my hands and instantly The Chicken just chucked a bulb at him. It hit him and he started to run. “Soulja-Sensei will know about your sin!” He yelled as he stumbled away into the depths. We decided to search around, and considering I had been here before, I suggested we raid the kitchen and then barricade ourselves in the library. We made out with an entire roast pig that had just been cooking over a primitive fire indoors, and rushed to the library. We barricaded ourselves in and started our search. I found a lot of copies of “Industrial Society and its Future” by Ted Kaczynski. Must be a recent addition by our rapper friend. But what peaked my interest was a whole shelf of books on alchemy. Looks like Cornelius Vanderbilt was a bit of an alchemist himself.
I woke up to the sound of hornets. Turns out it was The Chicken playing “The Bidding” for the seventeenth time. I got up from my pile of books that I used as a bed and it was time to confront Soulja Boy. We ascended the ornate staircase to the roof. That’s where we thought Soulja was. When we reached a room with a big enough window, we discovered that he had also used this room as his own because we saw a staircase clearly made from reused stone. We prepared ourselves and ascended the makeshift staircase made from alchemy. On the peak of this artificial mountain that a man called a home at one point, we saw him. The boy, Soulja. He was reading something and as we ran closer we saw Ace, in the middle of an alchemy circle. “Oh crap” The Chicken said, uncharacteristically. It then promptly shut up. “He’s trying to do some sort of ritual. I said, ignoring The Chicken’s outburst. “Hey, trying to bring back mommy?” I said mockingly. “No” The figure, clad in white said. “I am reviving someone more important to me than ever.” Soulja said in an almost calming tone. “I’m bringing back my fallen mentor, TED KACZYNSKI!!!!111!!” He said erratically. We could see his bloodshot eyes through his sunglasses with “Soulja Boy” written in white marker. He was deranged, and started chanting as the ritual rune around Ace started to glow a bright blue. A suit of armor, modified with a “Soulja Game” console lodged inside the chest (Yes, Soulja Boy made his own game system. Look it up) started to shake and rattle. Ace, the unwilling sacrifice; started to glow and levitate. He then morphed into a ball of light and was shaped into the figure of an old man. He was now clearly Ted Kaczynski and Soulja was using his abilities to try to fuse him with the armor. As some quick thinking on my part, I whipped out the 4DS and rushed the ghost. A large flash of light and sound quickly followed my action as I was blown back. After a few dazed seconds I got up and discovered my 4DS intact. I had trapped the soul of Ted Kaczynski into the thing he hated most, technology. Soulja Boy was angry, real angry. He gracefully set himself back onto the roof and started stomping towards us. Little did he know, his circle was still there. As soon as he entered his rune me and The Chicken both rushed, placed our hands on the edge of the circle, and cried “YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” We had activated the spell and Soulja Boy was visibly scared as he ascended into the air and was shot into the nearest vessel, the armor. His soul was now trapped in the armor. The only remains of his body were his hat and glasses. The hat disintegrated, as that was the source of his evil. We did give Armor Boy his glasses and made him look somewhat normal. He was intent on joining us, so we loaded up alchemy books into his hollow center. It could come in handy to have an alchemist in our party. We shared our stories, excluding The Chicken because they were in a vow of silence. He didn’t mention his previous mentor as we walked along the road out of Asheville, to our next destination;Wilmington. To be continued….
After leaving everything in Asheville and gaining a new party member we headed toward Raleigh. We encountered some strange dragon horse people who called themselves “Bronies” and after stealing their lunch money, we then set up camp in an old rest stop along the highway. After I and somehow Soulja-Bot fell asleep; The Chicken’s nocturnal adventures begun. (This bit is now set in the perspective of The Chicken) “OwO, so it seems that everyone is asleep.” I ran to back to grab a marker (marker is pronounced with a terrible Irish accent) and drew UwU on Soulja-bot’s “face.” “Beautiful” I then decided to run outside with 50 bags of microwave popcorn and threw it around like confetti, all while blasting the first 5 seconds of “Man I feel like a woman”. Suddenly it started raining. I look up and think, “It’s a terrible day for rain.” Disappointed about the rain, I ran back inside and grabbed my keyblade. I than proceeded to wack the cash register and steal all of the money. I than ran back outside to throw it like confetti since I ran out of microwave popcorn. Tired I went inside and collapsed beside the toilet.(Thus Ends The Chicken’s side story) When I woke up I saw the aftermath. Soulja-Bot had a new “face” which appeared to be a crudely drawn “UwU” emoticon. I tried waking the sleeping armor, but armor is really had to wake up and i had to knock on it like a door. We walked around the rest stop to discover unopened microwave popcorn and one dollar bills littering the grassy area outside. We went to the restrooms and discovered the chicken in the gender neutral family bathroom sleeping beside a toilet. When we woke The Chicken from it’s night of adrenaline fueled debauchery, its first reaction was to look around, then cluck as loud as it could. Not a sound from a sound board. But a human imitation of a chicken. I shrugged this off, helped The Chicken up, and helped it clean up. (It’s a wonder where you can fit toilet paper in a chicken outfit.) and we departed from the ruined rest stop, still on our way to Wilmington.
As we walked along the highway we saw a sign that said “Road Work Ahead”. The Chicken immediately responded with a sound clip saying “ Uh, yeah, I sure hope it does.” Little did we know, the road didn’t work ahead. As we took a few steps past the sign, the road disappeared from in front of us. In this strange void that looked like a lava lamp. In what appeared to be the center, a small chunk of road floated, with a small mexican woman holding a buster blade. (Look it up, it’s a huge freaking sword.) She took a step and the road re appeared as she walked forward. The Chicken, with no regard for safety, rushed this stout little woman and swung her KeyBlade. They had a little duel and The Chicken was forced to retreat as the mexican woman overpowered her with the sword 5 feet taller than herself. We consulted Soulja-Bot and we had an idea. I yelled, “Soulja Boy, Superman her!” The armor activated the small runes we had drawn on its feet. As he rocketed towards the target a hollow “YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” could be heard. It was a glorious sight. His fist had collided with her face and he launched her 300 feet beyond the void. The void had dissipated and the road had appeared once again. We continued, and now Soulja-Bot had a cool new sword.
Waking up from a roadside nap, my world was spinning and I was forcefully recalibrated by a hollow voice screaming “Los! Los! Los!”. Apparently Soulja-Bot knew German. We saw a group of people in flashy outfits and comically large shoes. They also had swords similar to The Chicken’s. Instantly The Chicken rushed a short person with strangely spiky hair. It attacked the small boy man thing and knocked it to the ground unconscious. Soulja-Bot plowed through about 4 of the 6 attackers. A comically large revolver with what appeared to be a knife on the barrel flew into the grass on the side of the Highway. I ran and picked it up. “I’M CLINT EASTWOOD! Y”ALL BEST BE RUNNIN’!” The last standing member of the group was comically bonked on the head by The Chicken. And we kept going. “Yo, what should I call this gun-knife thing?” The Chicken blurted out “A GNIFE” “Possibly, what about a Gun-Blade?” The Chicken crossed its wing arm things and visibly pouted. “Alright fine, its a Gnife but its name is Uncle Tio 2” After a long while with no encounters, we had arrived in Egypt. Just kidding, we were finally in Wilmington. But that was only a quarter of the journey. We needed to rest up. We had arrived at the Cape Harbor apartment complex. My first instinct was to go to the club house building, because I knew they always had some food in there. We had to break in, not really much trouble considering it was abandoned now. But we got in. We found a meager haul. A single banana. I decided “Hey, we should do time travel! Maybe we can warn our past selves!” jokingly of course. So I threw the banana in the microwave and left to see if the TV still worked. As soon as I could get the television on, it cut to static. No big surprise. But what did give us all a scare is what bled through the static. A message.He spoke with a warped voice but we could make it out. He said “I have been monitoring your world line for a long time. From my predictions, your entire line is doomed. But I have detected 6 anomalies. We can see the past, but we cannot predict your future. That is ever changing. Bring a gas can. Farewell.” The static returned, the deafening sound of nothing. It was John Titor, the time traveller, he was real, and he spoke to us. “John effing TITOR spoke to us!” I started to freak out in excitement, but that quickly turned to annoyance, “TIME TRAVEL IS REAL! AND OF COURSE WHEN ALL THINGS GO SOUTH NOW THEY SPEAK TO US!” I was exhausted and delirious, as well as extraordinary excited that “the” John Titor was real and actually spoke to us. I fell onto the ruined couch, vandalized by mischievous former residents, and fell asleep again. Followed by The Chicken as well as Soulja-Bot, who were both confused and not nearly as excited as I was.
After sleeping for about 19 hours underneath a chicken and a suit of armor. We made our way to where our comrades should be. The Chicken somehow figured out voice changing software and kept saying “Hello Ladies” in different voices. We had made it to the ruins of the best mexican restaurant this side of the Mississippi. Islands: Mexican Grill. We walked in, and we saw them. Three figures, masked. I could tell who they were based on their unique silhouettes and distinct voices. The tallest one, William, stood up and spoke. “Who are you?” I glanced up smugly, “Don’t recognize me, huh, big boy?” He moved closer and adjusted his mask, a respirator used by construction workers. “Again, who are you?” He said in a more annoyed tone. At the same time, the two other figures positioned themselves behind the goliath of a teenager. I took of the glasses and wig to reveal my face fully. “You really don't recognize your own leader? Dreadful pirates you guys are!” They all looked extremely shocked as one would be after seeing their old friend after 2 and a half years. “I-is that really you, dude?” The shortest one, Truman, questioned. “Yeah, it’s me, ya big dummy.” I said in a playful tone. Finally, the middle highted figure, now in the light spoke, “How in the name of the glorious Chainsaw Man did you get here?” It was Wyatt, of course it was, he never stopped talking about Chainsaw Man. “I walked, what do you think?” I said. Eventually, we all went to a large table where they were preparing a feast of burritos scavenged from the kitchen. After we all were settled, they started asking questions. William asked the first question “So who are these guys” pointing to my party members. I responded “This is the one and only Soulja-Boy” I pointed to the hulking suit of armor “It’s a long story, but he’s actually the real Soulja Boy” “And that is The Chicken” I said, pointing to the costume, who had an arm going through its beak grabbing a burrito to eat inside of the suit. Wyatt spoke up “No, who’s in the suit?” I pointed a limp burrito at him “Good question. I honestly don't know!” The Chicken spoke up in a comically altered voice “I’m Maurice!” Me and the other pirate crew (Those are the guys) looked over. “It’s a little tall to be Maurice, ya think?” Truman said. “I bet you ten bucks that ain’t Maurice, I found them in Kentucky.” I responded (Fun Fact: Maurice was a person me and all three of these people disliked extremely. He is a real person. As are Truman,Wyatt and William. They were my friends in North Carolina) After catching up and telling my epic journey, I had to drop a bombshell. “The reason I came back is extremely important. We need to destroy this!” I held up the 4DS in all its unholy glory. “We need to get to Hawaii, and the only way I know how is by stealing the battleship and starting a pirate crew!” (Fun Fact: There is a decommissioned battleship docked in the harbor by Wilmington, its the U.S.S. North Carolina. A very popular spot for tourists and history buffs alike.) Everyone at the table, including The Chicken and Soulja looked over in surprise. “And how do expect us to get it working again?” questioned William. “ I dunno, that thing has electricity right? It probably can still work.” I responded. “Understandable” they all said. And we continued our plan and feast. The Frosty Mafia Pirate Band had finally been reunited after all that time. Now the second part of the journey has begun.
We walked the abandoned ruins of Wilmington, a large group of people including a suit of armor and a chicken would be intimidating to some, but not all. A small street gang appeared from an alleyway. The leader walked up to me and said “Hola Niño” with a weird smile, revealing his need for dental work. He whipped out a pocket knife that my little sister would carry. Luckily for me, I had the Gnife, and without reaction to his weapon, I unholstered the abomination of a weapon and pointed. He looked at it, did a full 180 and started running and screaming. I discharged a bullet at his foot. It missed (Because Gun Violence is probably not ok) but he jumped and fell over. We continued walking until we reached the ship, ignoring the swamp monsters that lurked. As we boarded through the information building we noticed it was vandalized and all electronics were looted. When we arrived on deck we noticed an effort to get the guns working and they seemed functional. Then we heard it. The pitter patter of feet on wood. When it came into view we saw him. Small, pale, robust. It was motherlicking Danny Devito. He came scurrying towards us and Soulja immediately got in front of the group. He unsheathed the buster sword and got into position. “You absolute FOOLS! DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN STOP ME WITH JUST A PUNY SWORD! I HAVE ALREADY REJECTED MY HUMANIT-” He was cut short by me shooting him in the shoulder. With my extensive knowledge on vampire stuff, I knew that they are actually pretty weak. We bound him and took him below deck, where we found an exercise bike. We found the room used for electricity and with some time, we hooked up the bike to the main supply and forced Devito to pedal for the rest of his eternal life. I played Castlevania, and I don’t take kindly to the undead. We noticed that the relatively old ship was modified in the places that needed it. Now there were working screens in the bridge, where I was going to sail this bad boy. It seems that vampire Devito scared off some group with the same idea as us. After settling in and choosing our positions on the ship, we were ready to set sail. We used the intercom system to tell our undead generator to pedal till his little legs fell off, regenerated, and fell off again. We started the engine, played appropriate music, the “Pirates of the Caribbean” theme obviously, and launched our vessel into the bay. As a show of authority, we shelled a bridge just because. And we started our grand pirate adventure; Destination, Panama Canal.
A new day had arrived. We were now on the high sea and we were powerful. A small fleet of Yachts pulled up and the rich boys inside demanded our food. I gave the order and blew their daddie’s yachts sky high. And we kept chugging along. Little did anyone know, post apocalyptic piracy was extremely different than how the movies portray it. There were hundreds of little fishing boats from all over the world, modified with anything they can find. Wings made of solar panels, scrap metal floating fortresses, and a small boat with a 152 mm howitzer D-20 just strapped onto it. But the most interesting boat was a recreated pirate ship, but instead of having a working sail, it had two jet engines as propellers and most of the boat itself was made of airplane parts. It was a sad time when we shelled it into oblivion without a second thought. Basically we asserted our position around the Southern East Coast .
The ocean was rough. And black clouds loomed. We were cutting our way towards Miami when a literal mansion appeared in front of the ship. Before we had a chance to turn. I was sucked into the house. I appeared in the house. It was old 1870’s style. Basic haunted house. First thing i did was rip a wall mounted candle holder off and break any glass I saw while exploring. I entered the bathroom thing and saw The Chicken, in the tub, in full costume, having a bubble bath. It got up, soaking wet and followed me while exploring. We were little deviants and destroyed anything that wasn’t the house. If any ghosts were in the house, what were they gonna do, kill me? We made our way up the staircase that was unnecessarily large and ornate, bashing the handrail as we went up. We found what appeared to be a entertainment room. And of course there was a grand piano. I went up to it and started playing “A Cruel Angel’s Thesis”, and thats when I noticed. I can’t play piano. The dream was collapsing and I regained consciousness. I was on the deck, sprawled out, The Chicken nearby. Turns out, chugging 70 year old condensed milk from the galley will mess you up. And on that day the undead got a grim reminder, “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.”
I woke up in my garfield pajamas and pushed away my mountain of garfield plushies. For context we raided Jim Davis’ personal yacht and now he is in our crew. He works the machine gun and hes actually really good at it. I then got dressed in my glorious pirate outfit. Which is the same just replace the wig with a peaked cap. So now i kinda look like a dictator of a South American country. I got up to the bridge and we saw it. A Carnival cruise ship. Specifically “Ecstasy”. We all know that cruise ships are filled with disease. And as soon as we got within sight of it, our radios got bombarded with messages. “Help us” “SoS” “Are you the navy?” We ignored them. I ordered our boy Jim to train his fire on the obnoxious smoke tower thing. Instantly the messages turned sour and threatening. I was offended, even though we shot first. So I ordered a mortar shelling of the obnoxious tower. It crumpled like paper. The ship couldn't pollute the environment anymore. They should use more eco friendly fuel, like vampire power. I got on the loudspeaker and told the boys on deck to “Fire at the windows” basically we just drive by shot this boat. Then we went on our way like nothing happened. (What, are you gonna judge us, we’re pirates) I decided to do the Titanic scene, where I was Rose. Im always in the spotlight, cuz im a star. We decided to take a little detour and go to Key West. I wanted some pie. And also The Chicken kept talking about a six toed cat.
It was dark. We were all below deck watching a movie. It was “The End of Evangelion”. Soulja Bot started crying. I turned around and said “Are you seriously talking during the Third Impact?!” He immediately went quiet. 12 hours later we were out on deck, the sea breeze nearly blowing off my epic dictator hat. I understandably was mad and personally shot at the wind just because. After my anger had dissipated, we saw something in the water. It was a freaking armored whale with wings built on it. It came straight towards us. I rushed towards the front of the boat and yelled “WIND FISH” it then flew over the boat into the horizon. “Looks like wind fish is mad at me!” I yelled at the now far gone whale. “Ill freakin get you one day WInd Fish!” We set our sights for Key West. We’re gonna get there one day.
“Pull over!, this is the boat cops!” The boat cops said. I looked over the railing and saw a coast guard ship on our left. “By the order of the United States federal government we order a boarding of your vessel!” The small statured man yelled. “Of course!” I said with a layer of fake kindness I only ever showed to the dinosaurs who frequent my McDonalds. The two pathetic looking men climbed aboard our boat via a rope ladder that we shook occasionally to make their trip even a little harder. When they came aboard, they demanded an inspection of the boat. As I showed them the deck I remembered that the government was disbanded in October 2020. I ushered them over to admire our spectacular railing and when they were looking at it. I forced one of them overboard. Then, William, who was trailing at a distance, rushed at the remaining officer, who looked horrified. As soon as they both were in the water, I ordered a shell be launched at the puny ship, and it sunk hard. We continued our journey until we reached the small Island of Key West. Once we had docked we noticed the lack of anybody. Me and my first mate, The Chicken went on an expedition onto the once great capital of the Conch Republic. As we walked I kept my eye out for a trolley, that would be crucial to our survival here. We walked along the roads lined with dilapidated houses that at one point cost a million dollars. Then we saw it, abandoned along the road. A trolley, re enforced with rusted sheet metal and a gun at the top. It took a lot of pushing to get it on the tracks, but it went on the tracks with a “Clunk”. We started up the road at 2 times the speed of walking. We went along the street looking for a bright green building. After an encounter with some rabid chickens we were outside of “Kermits Key Lime Pie” I needed to speak with someone inside. I knocked on the now boarded up door. “Who is it?” said an annoyed female voice. “It’s the Queen of England, Ma! Now open the door.” The door opened and my parents were inside, ready to hit me with a bat. “Hold on, how in the world did you get here?” My mother questioned. “Boat” I responded flatly. “And how did you know where we would be?” “Pie”. “Ok, fair enough.” She said. “We have come on an adventure and we need food, specifically pie.” I said, hinting that I wanted pie. “No way dude, not a chance in heck I’m givin’ you some pie, even if you are the only child that bothers to visit.” As we walked into the store she continued “Your sisters left home and three weeks later I hear that they took over Pittsburgh and are now ruling it with tiny iron fists.” “Interesting” I said, picking up some key lime flavored candy and items of random food with the same flavor. “I don’t know about your brother, I think he was eaten by a moose. Or he just didn’t leave the house.” She handed us some 6 pies and bid us farewell. Now one more place to go, Ernest Hemingway’s house to steal a cat for The Chicken. As we drove along we grabbed a chicken, crossing the road. We pulled up to the mansion, freaking snatched up a lil kitty and rushed outta there. We drove the trolley as fast as we could back to the docks. Ran onto our ship and got out of there. We shot a shell aimed near the mansion, I am not taking any more chances with rich old dead people’s houses and went full speed to our next stop, Cuba. Now with two new friends on the boat and some sweets.
Below deck there were the tell tale sounds of time travel. A microwave, chicken tenders being eaten, a woman cheering “TuTuRuuu~”. And In the middle of our karaoke session of “Hacking to the Gate” we were interrupted by Soulja-Bot rushing downstairs. “Hey YOUUUUUU guys, we have reached Cuba, I think.” I ditched my scientist labcoat and donned my Dictator hat. “Its been a while since we got any action” William said as we ran to top deck. As the sun light hit our pale faces we winced, and we got our first look at the land before us. Before the collapse of society, or as we affectionately referred to it as The “Second Impact”, Cuba had been unaffected by the Coronavirus. Considering no one could get into the country. We left Jim and Soulja-Bot on the boat, Wyatt stayed as well. But we needed Truman with us, as he was the only one besides me who could understand Spanish. We noticed that we were not greeted in Havana with Cuban hospitality, or even Cuban hostility. Havana was a ghost town. And it reeked. Smelled like manure. We walked through and I remarked that there were no cigars to go with my freakin sweet dictator hat, I wanted to complete my Fidel Castro cosplay. “But to do that we would nee-HOLY CHRIST I FIGURED IT OUT!” “Castro really did do it huh, no wonder why it smells like bullcrap.” The group looked at me in confusion, I was rambling again. A year in self isolation and months of travelling the ruins of America alone will make you a little crazy. Then William finally asked “What do cows have to do with Castro?” “EVERYTHING, MY MOUNTAIN OF A FRIEND! CASTRO HISTORICALLY WAS OBSESSED WITH MILK! WHY DOES EVERYTHING SMELL LIKE FERTILIZER? EITHER THE ENTIRE POPULATION ARE MAKING BOMBS OR CASTRO’S GRAND PLAN WAS ENACTED! “ I yelled at the top of my lungs to seemingly nobody. “Castro must have had the government work on the mass breeding of dairy cows and then the Deadman Switch was flipped as soon as the world ended, unleashing the bovine as a final hoorah to communism.” My rant was over and The Chicken, who somehow hadn’t fainted in the heat, started clapping. We kept walking through the manure filled streets that both simultaneously looked ruined and had the strange cleanliness of the 50’s. Soon we came across a tailor shop, or whatever they call them and found it. I looted the place, The Chicken was most pleased at the sewing supplies, and I got me a new Dictator suit. Complete with those shoulder things that they have. Now I was a force to be reckoned with, and had the firepower to back it up. And also pockets! Truman and William also got new clothes, as sitting below deck on a ship, binge watching Steins;Gate and eating hot cheetos was not kind on the clothes. But now, we were looking snazzy, feeling snazzy and the most powerful on the street. And it was high time we acted that way.
Nice, just freaking swell. The road out of Havana has been overrun by cattle. We walked back down the street and what did we find, a taxi! As if a divine gift from cow jesus himself we find a taxi. And the keys were on the curb next to it. So naturally we hop in. Because im supreme leader I drive. Slight problem, none of us know how to drive. Solution: I beat everyone in Mario Kart. So I can kinda get the gist. And we start vroomin right along. Eventually we reach the cows and we honk and scream and blast King Crimson. They heard the dope electric guitar in Starless and they freaking bowed! They understand the master musician Robert Fripp and let us pass. Forty something minutes of listening to the same song (it didn't end yet) we reached the town of Nueva Gerona and we saw it. The cows were circling the statue of Ubre Blanca. Cow Jesus herself. We switched from Starless to Dinosaur and freaked the Cows out so much they scattered. We got out of the car and walked to the marble beast. It was strangely silent until I ran, broke off the horn and yelled “I AM THE COW LORD NOW!!” The cows around us instantly went berserk and Truman asked “What should we do?!!?” “NEW EXECUTIVE DECISION: RUN LIKE HELL!” We ran, nearly into the parked taxi. Thankfully my stupidity saved us and the car was still running. We slammed reverse and got outta there. As we drove I retold the significance of Ubre Blanca and why I have the holy artifact. We drove through Havana and back to the docks, detour over. Of course we raided some restaurants that still had food and piled it in the Taxi. Then we drove it on the ship. We had to chain it but now we got ourselves a vehicle. Besides the death ship that we stole. Now we were headed to the Panama Canal, or wherever we wound up. The fear of the world ending capabilities of the 4DS still loomed overhead.
“Help Us……” That was the message we got from them. We didn’t know who sent it but it came through with the rolling thunderstorms over the oceans. And a few minutes after the strange radio anomaly another came. This time it was a Coast Guard transmission. The United States Federal Government itself. But the government had fallen a year ago. Needless to say we were confused. For a few slight moments, everything was still. Till Classical Music (Specifically Ode To Joy) started playing over every frequency. Full Volume. No end. AND A GOD’S RENDING FURY TORE THE FABRIC OF REALITY AND LEFT A MASSIVE TEAR IN THE SKY! No one could predict this bridging of existences but we got a short glimpse into an alternative world. One where the government never fell. Needless to say we were freaked out and may or may have not shot a few artillery shells at the anomaly. After that glorious display of ungodly proportions we went below deck and hid for a bit. This will totally not come up again as a plot point ever again. There is no plan for any branching timelines or anything at all.
I looked at the strange rip in the sky. This had to be the work of my cat WonTon. She was most likely playing with something and accidentally ripped open the universe. She does that sometimes. I looked up at the rip and saw WonTon sticking her head out of the sky. I yelled, “WONTON YOU FREAKING IDIOT I TOLD YOU TO STOP RIPPING HOLES IN THE SKY. JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET UP THERE AND YEET YOU INTO THE OCEAN!” As her father I have every right to be angry. I thought I raised our lord and savior Wonton better. When day broke we found The Chicken, on the deck. Face up. With half eaten semi hardened glue next to it. The Chicken kept muttering something about a “forbidden cookie”. I swear, the ocean is making everyone crazy.
Panama, Tropical Paradise, or PURE DEMON HELLSCAPE! Post Apocalyptic Panama Canal Is all messed up. But with enough determination and anger, we somehow managed to break a century’s worth of human engineering with a boat. Many LoLs were had at the puny walls that crumbled beneath our mighty boat. We entered the Pacific, leaving a trail of Blood, Rubble and Bastard Children. Our legacy along the East Coast was cloudy. Only really being known as the guys who killed a furry and stole a boat. But now our Pacific adventure had begun. And our first order of business was to raid a military base. Luckily there was a base on the Pacific Side of Panama. We met no resistance as we blew through a wall. The Second Wave Of Covid-19 (AKA Covid-20) killed off most of the population. We walked into the compound. Found a Missle Silo. Hacked into a government computer to get information. And used a series of cranes to steal a nuclear warhead and put it on our boat. After figuring out how to engineer a portable nuke launcher on a boat, ten weeks of painstaking work, we had the experimental “Baba Yaga” missile in our possession. According to the military, it was a prototype ICBM meant to completely decimate cities, as well as pollute any water supply, turning frogs gay. Being the Teenagers we were, we had affectionately referred to it as “Missile Rick” and drew a Pickle Rick on the side. Along with various assorted memes that would have been outdated if society still existed. Over our time with the 4DS it had become more and more intelligent. To the point where we had to keep it in a safe away from everything. Our newfound firepower made us both a target and feared among the boat boys that lived on the Pacific. After a few small skirmishes and weeks of nothing eventful happening, We could have sworn we saw land on the horizon.
“Yo, you think they serve cake at 7/11?” I asked William. “No, 7/11 shut down, idiot, they don't serve cake, or anything for that matter.” “Damn”. We arrived at the volcanic island where we planned on destroying the DS. This island was a fairly new addition to the Hawaiin Chain. We Tokyo Drifted a battleship next to the island and got our plank. We were gonna walk it. Then the time came, we had decorated the safe to be a ceremonial coffin. We carried the safe (which was heavy) up the volcano. Once we reached event horizon, the mouth of the volcano. We opened the safe with the super secure password “42069666”. We all saw it, the glow. As I lifted it out of the box we all became silent and solemn, slow piano music could be heard emanating from the device, like it knew it’s own fate. And it probably did. As I held the unholy amalgamation of electronic parts it hummed louder and louder. Then came the moment. We all cheered in unison as the 4DS was thrown. But those cheers turned to screams as it defied gravity itself and floated above the lava. It then shot over to The Chicken. It fused with the Playstation, gaining control of the suit itself. It then ejected the mysterious person that had travelled with us. Short hair, obviously cut by an amateur, hoodie and jeans, there was no denying who it was. Samantha. As much as we wanted to ask and speculate how she hid for all this time our request was denied as The Chicken Costume itself had started floating higher above the volcano mouth. 13,700 miles of travel led up to this moment. Failure. The 4DS had gotten a body. A rumble could be heard as towers started growing, this must be the 5G. All hope seemed lost. The 6 of us, on an island, looking at the horror that had been unleashed was super dramatic yo. Then I remembered something, the missile. *Its almost as if this was intended to happen.* I had the launch controller we made out of a camera. I found the target, it locked, and I pressed the launch button, praying to the cruel gods of fate as the rocket shot over us, aiming for the shell of a former ally. The missile flew…...
“Bang Bang”… The Maxwell Silver Missile came down over The 420DS’s head. In other words, the missile doinked the head of the suit. But with destruction came the mist. A purple haze started flowing out of the missile. The missile was just kinda lodged into the suit. I turned to my comrades and they were tripping, hard. Im talking pupils dilated, drooling, the whole 666 yards. Luckily due to my crippling addiction to licking poison dart frogs, I am completely immune to the effects of hallucinogens. Well, immune is not the right word. More like it would take more LSD than humanly possible to incapacitate me. Thats not saying I wasn’t affected. I was going through a magical girl transformation. After my solid 45 seconds of early 90’s animation with strangely questionable and downright uncomfortable camera angles, my transformation was complete. I was now on the ground. Thats the only difference. But I felt amazing. I ran over to Soulja-Bot who was trying to assist his fallen friends. “Let me in” I yelled, near incoherently. A waft of cheap cologne filled the suit as i got in. Im guessing Soulja Boy’s soul is still gangsta in death. Now I was ready. Using the epic power of the Soulja Game that he kept in the suit, I triangulated the 420DS’s location and calculated how hard we would need to punch it. We started bouncin on our toes. We as in me and Soulja-Bot working as a duo. With some chalk we drew some runes on our fist. We had to be quick. The 420DS suit was freaking out. It had pulled out the missile and was capital P pissed. It hastened the rise of the 5G towers. Soon they were popping up everywhere. We started powering up our final move. We did a few fake punches, cranked back a few times, hopped up a few times. We were ready. After Cranking Dat we rolled up to the volcano, with our arms cranked and ready. We hopped up and flew using some runes on the bottom of our feet. Its said that the last thing you could hear was a synchronized “Superman off in this---” before the punch landed. Its also said that the 420DS was launched 4 thousand miles in the air and the rest of the Chicken suit was turned into some Bathin’ Ape clothing. When the rest of the crew came to, after a 40 hour acid trip they saw a giant suit of armor, a Bape Shark Hoodie, and Conner, Cranking Dat Soulja Boy.
The question went through everyone’s mind. “Did It hit?” The moments leading up to this were a blur. We heard it. We saw it. But we couldn't comprehend it. Haze filled my vision as I hit the launch button. You guessed it, its the sad ending.
*Insert Dramatic rendition of series theme music here*
The Chicken Suit, now powerful and pissed off, quite literally grabbed the missile. And chucked into the ocean. Turning it a neon teal. Immediately, we started our counter attack. Samantha threw her Keyblade. It spun in the air for a few seconds and came back. Then, with a spark of genius i whipped out the G’knife and popped several caps in the suit. Yet that seemed to make it worse. It touched a few buttons on its chest, screamed and several thousand towers sprung up all around us. But the 5G towers interfered with the 420DS and it started cranking dat soulja boy middair. The 5G corona waves literally disintegrated the ship and Soulja-Bot. And All that was left of him was the sunglasses. And the same happened to the suit. Except it didn’t. It grew bigger. And Bigger. So large in fact that it overtook our view of the moon. I guess thats not that big but you get it. Its much bigger than ur mum m8. And It took its first steps in the new ocean it had created. Then It stood. Staring. We could do nothing. Samantha started to laugh. She admitted she had kept dinosaur capsules in the leg. And then it happened. Dinosaurs. Giant capsule sponge dinosaurs tore through the right leg. Causing it to fall. Hard. It fell backwards, with its face toward the stars, and its eyes locked on us. The DS reacted violently to the irradiated water and slowly it stopped sparking. It was over. The end had happened. Like it had predicted that year ago, the end of the world had occurred. We could do nothing about it. We buried the Sunglasses. It was difficult to admit that Soulja Boy had died. And the only thing we could do now was stare back at The Chicken.
Now we were in for it. Old Man Jimminhiemer had seen the baseball fly through his window and he was yellin’. Then the LSD wore off. Old Man Jimminhiemer was a floating chicken suit and his house was a volcano and the baseball was a nuclear warhead. Sadly, this was not a hallucination. Things were constantly happening. I stood, disoriented, woozy, and for some reason thinking of Kaworu Nagisa. Then I had the idea. I would wear Soulja-Bot as armor, and pop off The Chicken’s Head. Have you ever entered an already inhabited suit of ghost armor? Its a strange feeling, almost like you dont belong there. Ignoring that, we rushed The Chicken. It humored us and came down. Little did this Chicken Tender KFC Big Bucket lookin dude know,we were packing heat. The Gnife was hidden behind our back, and was immediately fired several times into the chest of the suit, slightly damaging the 420DS. Then in a flash, we grabbed its neck, like Homer Simpson, and held the Suit over the Lava. *POP* Just like in Episode 24 of Evangelion. Except the LCL is lava and the Gay Angel is a fursuit. Of course, being a god and whatnot, the Suit just floats on the lava, headless. And we collect the group, throw them on the boat. And drive. Or, sail. Doesn't matter, Suit is back, pissed, and wants us dead. It started distorting reality. It lifted our boat, and our forward momentum started to be stored. Then the boat did a Backwards Long Jump into the one giant rip in space. Of all the places to be shot to.It had to be the giant space rift.
Have you ever felt yourself deconstruct on an atomic level? Its not pleasant. Reconstruction was less annoying, except for the fact that my arm was not mine. Floating in the gap between world lines was strangely calming. I felt comfort knowing my allies were by my side as we floated through realities. But now those were faint memories now. Me and Another Figure ran into some guitar string lookin thing and we saw a flash of light. Then Nothing.
Will the gang get revived? Will there be a new universe? How many endings are there gonna be? Is the Chicken coming back? All will be answered in the next episode of Dragon Ball Z!